Hannah Kurman (wordstoponder) wrote,
Hannah Kurman
wordstoponder

Ghosts From the Past

I received a text from one of the men I was with a long time ago - ten years - which triggered an avalanche of bottled up emotions and forgotten thoughts. Very unexpected. I decided to wallow in these strange feelings for a few days, delving more into them by reading my online journals (still open to the public, despite how embarrassing and too-much-information I typed for a fifteen/sixteen year old). It amazes me how well I wrote back then and how I describe each experience with such detail. Reading the roller-coaster of my adolescence makes me realize how much I have changed over the last decade. My dreams and taste of music are fairly the same, but the people I surround myself with has differed greatly. I am no longer a cutter or go from boy to girl to man to man. I feel that since I have moved to Worcester and moved in with a wonderful man that I've been with for four and a half years, I have been less depressed and less anxious, much much more content with myself and my life.

7/9/12

It has been a long time
since I have heard
the echo of your voice.
As I listen,
the butterflies in my stomach return.
The same butterflies
that fluttered wildly
when I first heard that voice
at the age of fifteen;
a lost and troubled adolescent
thrilled by taboo,
excited by the comforting voice
of an older man.
Your voice made me tingle
during those treacherous years.

Your voice has brought back
a flood of unwanted memories
that I have turned away from
in recent years:
All those other men
I sought affection from
and ran away with.
All of them touched me,
but you bruised my soul
in the way that I craved.

I no longer seek that pain.
The part of me that was missing
is now filled with the love beyond infatuation
of an older man
that now that I think about it
reminds me of you.

I am on the other side
of that dark tunnel
your voice guided me through
until I heard nothing but silence
when your voice abandoned me
at the time I needed
to strangle your throat
in the way I wanted
you to strangle me.
I am on the other side now
and I am going to
muffle your voice
so I can crawl out of the shadow of my past.

I want your voice
to go back to the grave
it came from
that I dug out
for the memories your voice conjured.
I want to rebury these feelings
so I can move on with my life. Again.
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